My reason for climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro in Tanzania, was not about making it to the top, even though we did. One of the biggest reasons I did it was for conscious reflection of my life & the battles I have fought, in order to heal & leave behind the pain (physical & emotional) that I have been carrying.
One of those battles was the suicidal ideation I had lived with and accepted for so long. I can not count how many times I not only planned my own death, but fantasized about how good it would feel to not feel anything anymore. Ultimately, “I don’t want to die. I just want the pain to end” was my thought process every time and I just would keep showing up in life, while suffering in secret.
On the second eve of our Mt. Kilimanjaro climb, we were all gathering on the dining hut porch to try and get a wifi signal before dinner. Mark walked over to me and said, “Come here, I want to show you something.” He picked me up and carried me to the other side of the A-frame huts that made up our camp, and sat down where I had an unobstructed view of the sun setting from the #RoofTopOfAfrica.
It was MAGICAL! I had never seen something so beautiful. I was quickly overcome with emotion. As the tears started rolling down my cheeks, Mark asked, “Why are you crying?” After gathering myself a bit and finding words to explain, I said, “I am just glad that I am still here. I am glad I am alive to see this. I kept showing up and I am grateful I did.”
In that moment of indescribable beauty and peace I was alive and consciously promised myself to never go backwards, no matter how hard life gets, always hold on and just keep showing up. I realized all of the moments throughout my lifetime that I would have missed, had I taken my life.
Statistically, per the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, “For every person who dies by suicide each year, another 280 people think about suicide but do not kill themselves. (#suicidalideation) Each year, 44,965 Americans die by suicide.”
If you are one of these people, you are not alone. Keep showing up. Most importantly, know that #yourlifematters. We never know what tomorrow holds, and you can only find out if you show up. I am the living proof.
#breakthestigma #suicideprevention #erikabogan #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #youarenotalone #JustHoldOn #keepshowingup #meanderingscars #lessonslearnedonthemountain
